Crying in the Bathroom at Work Became My Life's Turning Point

I moved to California from the east coast of the United States. I arrived in Silicon Valley fresh out of roles in management consulting and my first tech startup. I’d even had my picture in Fortune magazine by the time I was 24. I had high hopes for product strategy position in large software company. I had made it through a reduction in force (RIF) and the elimination of my boss and team. However, the new role and culture was even more toxic than before and no matter how hard I worked none of it mattered or made a difference. It kept getting worse and then one day I found myself crying in the bathroom. My body was telling me something my mind didn’t want to hear. I was a cog in a machine going nowhere fast. 

Bathroom tears - they happened multiple times - became my tipping point. In fact, they might have been the first time I listened to my body. Things were not okay. I was not okay. Lost and burned out, I followed the advice of a friend, and drove down the jagged California coast to a retreat center in Big Sur, California called Esalen. It was a place that promised healing and transformation.  What started as a weeklong spiritual retreat with a Shaman became nine months of immersion into healing traditions from around the world. 

Big Sur, California

After living at Esalen for a few months, I met a healer who said, “you look like someone who could use some bodywork.” I had no idea what they were talking about, but the offer for free healing work, at a time when I had no income, was too hard to pass up.

What I thought would be a massage, wasn’t. Instead, it was a deep tissue modality designed to release old blocks and aberrations in the body. It was intense, even painful at times, but as I confronted and breathed through the pain, bit by bit I released the armor I had built up over my lifetime so far. I could not believe how different I felt. After the left side of the body was worked, I stood in front of the mirror and was shocked. I was completely lopsided. The left half of my face was softer, my left shoulder was lower, my left leg was straight, and all parts relaxed. In contrast, my right side was more chiseled, sharp, braced for an attack. But thanks to the work on the left, I felt an intense calm, like staring out on a deep blue lake. It was calmer than I could ever recall. My head was still. My mind was quiet. I grinned. Even my smile was lopsided. I felt like I’d been to the dentist and one side had been numbed, the other hadn’t. “Let’s do the other side,” I said.

I didn’t fully grasp it back then, but letting go of old hurt and trauma allowed me to inhabit my body differently; and I soon discovered how much easier it was to be calm when my body was calm. I realized it was easier to think clearly when my body was clearer. Dissolving old trauma that lived as tension and tightness in the muscles and tissue of my body changed my whole perspective. This was the second time in my life that the mind body connection was overwhelmingly evident to me.

If you’re curious about the first time I learned about the power of mind body applied to both life and work you can watch this video to hear that story.

Both stories (and many more) will be shared in my upcoming book. If you haven’t already, sign up for my newsletter using the form at the bottom of this page to stay informed about the book.

4 Questions Before a Coaching Session

Great leaders have high self awareness and they use techniques to help them think strategically and proactively. Here are four questions I offer clients before a coaching session to help them get the most from our time together as well as increase self awareness + strategic thinking:
1) What's going well?
2) What are you discovering?
3) What are you challenged by?
4) What is your intention (goal) for our time together?

Is it Time for a Strategic Offsite for Yourself?

A different point of view is worth 80 IQ points. - Alan Kay

Many years ago I was feeling lost and looking for something to bring clarity to my life’s path and my purpose so I decided to live in a Zen temple for a month. While I was there I participated in a week-long sesshin. It was intense and difficult. It entailed sitting in Zazen (meditation) for 9 hours a day, doing physical labor and confronting not only the physical pain of sitting still but many emotional and mental aspects of myself that got stirred up to the surface where I could see them. As hard as it was, the experience was so powerful that I’ve made it a priority since then to take time away for spiritual growth and self mastery. One of the ways I’ve done that is through quarterly silent retreats. Over the years my practice has become less formal and more relaxed but I still find some basic structures (which I’ll describe below) to be important. For some, spiritual growth and business growth are two different things. For me these two are not only aligned but deeply integrated. Regardless of whether your motivations are spiritual or practical, I highly recommend this life changing tool to increase clarity, purpose and alignment of your purpose with your path. 

The strategic offsite (for you)
In this recent study by top executive recruiting firm, Egon Zehnder, CEO’s realize it’s essential to expand their capacity to be self aware. And other research suggests that self reflection is the key to building this awareness.

To make this a habit, I recommend that once a quarter, go away for a few days. Being physically away, outside your home and typical surroundings, makes it easier to step outside and notice habitual ways of thinking and working. It encourages you to think bigger, to look at life from a wider lens and gain a fresh perspective. It’s your own strategic offsite, with ample space and time to reflect.

I sat in awe of this California coastline

Location matters
For me, the physical place has a dramatic impact on this process. To think expansive thoughts I do best with an expanded view, high ceilings, fresh air. I find it much harder to think outside the box if I’m indeed sitting in a small or stagnant box. In my most recent trip, I was on the California coastline and I spent hours staring out into the distance, catching an occasional glimpse of vertical spray on the ocean surface from whales. I let myself daydream and become hypnotized by pelicans floating on the wind. Before you choose a place, think about times and places that you were calm or awake or alive and consider what conditions would be most supportive for you.

Minimize distraction
I recommend being mostly if not entirely offline, silent and unreachable during this time. This is a luxury not everyone has. By minimizing conversations with others and avoiding distraction there’s no place to go but within. Yes, it can be uncomfortable at first but even extroverts have done it and survived! If this sounds daunting, I recommend attending a guided group retreat as a first step. It becomes easier over time and clarity comes with time. I don’t always do a great job of maintaining the silence, and it can be frustrating when it doesn’t work. So be gentle with yourself. Set boundaries and experiment with this.

Get physical
Getting out and moving makes a big difference. I recommend starting the day with some gentle stretches and breathing exercises and incorporating a walk or hike during the day. Use your body to support your mind.

Here are some questions you might ponder:
Who am I? How am I evolving as a person?  
What matters most to me? What do I value?  
What preferences are driving me? 
Is my life and work aligned with what matters most?
If not, what needs to change?
What systems, structures, habits, processes do I need to shift in order to increase that alignment between what I’m doing and what matters most? 
What conversations do I need to start, stop or shift?  
Where am I on a much longer timeline? When do I need to be patient? When do I need to push?
Who might be able to assist me in the next chapter of my career? 
If my older, wiser self could speak to me now, what would she/he/they tell me? 

Some of the benefits
As a result of these ongoing offsites and silent retreats I’m more proactive, less reactive with my work. I have more clarity around my priorities. My confidence has increased, because stepping back helps me see how far I’ve come and some of the major milestones I’ve reached. I’ve redefined relationships and work agreements so that they truly work for me. In some cases this means letting go of projects or relationships that no longer align for me. In my most recent time away I realized it’s time to scale and increase support so I can take my work to the next level.
The results vary and aren’t necessarily incremental. Sometimes it can feel like a few steps forward and then a few steps back. Though I just shared some of the insights and benefits for me, sometimes these come in hindsight. So don’t expect the moon. And, if you discover one new thing about yourself or about how you’re showing up in a situation that has been troubling you, would it be worth it?  

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step 
How do you make time for yourself and life’s bigger questions?
When have you taken time out for self-reflection and what were the results?
If anything here sparks your interest, what’s one thing you could do to increase your self-reflection time? 

To have an increasingly clear and conscious impact, it’s essential to be intentional about who you are and how your life and work expresses this. Taking time out is one of the ways to get off the treadmill of life and be more awake and alive to the choices you are making.